tags>> screenplay, murder LOL, lotsa funne swears :-) , whatever its a fucking adult sitcom you know whats up bruh
1. EXT. FOREST ROAD - NIGHT
A long empty road runs through a dark pinewood forest.
And then: light.
A pair of headlights in the distance illuminate the woods ahead.
A car WHIZZES past, ZOOMING down the road recklessly.
2. INT. CAR
MUSIC blasts through the radio.
VINCENT, the driver, drums his fingers on the steering wheel.
Charlie pulls out a cigarette and slips it in his mouth, lighting it and taking a deep drag. He opens his mouth, smoke comes unfurling out like a Chinese dragon.
Vincent glares at him through the thick gray clouds. He rolls
his eyes.
BINK. LIGHTBULB! Vincent's eyes light up. He smirks.
Charlie goes for another drag of his cigarette...
..VRRRR!! Vincent SKIRTS the car to the right.
All that smoke gets caught in Charlie's throat. He starts COUGHING and GAGGING. Vincent turns and laughs sadistically at him.
Charlie claws at his throat. He frantically rolls down the
window and thrusts his head out, GASPING for air.
Vincent continues pointing and laughing at him. He finally tears his eyes away, turns back to the road and--
WHAM!!! A CYCLIST, out-of-nowhere, comes BARRELING in, flies
over the windshield,
Vincent SLAMS on the breaks. The car comes to a SCREECHING halt, sending the guy flying down the road and landing with a heavy SPLAT.
CUT BACK to Charlie and Vincent. Shaking, breathing hard.
They turn, lock eyes.
SHIT.
CLOSE ON: A HAND
Lying motionless in a pool of blood.
3. LOW ANGLE - OVERCAST SKY
Vincent cautiously steps into frame, looking down at the body. Charlie creeps up behind him, peeking in-between his fingers.
CHARLIE
Is-- Is he okay??
Vincent tilts his head. He lightly kicks the body.
VINCENT
Uh. Yeah. No, he's dead.
CHARLIE
(disbelief)
Dead? Like-- Like dead, dead?
Vincent looks at Charlie and raises an eyebrow.
CHARLIE
Come on, you're joking. Right?
VINCENT
Why would I joke about--
CHARLIE
HE CAN'T BE DEAD! Did you even check his pulse?
VINCENT
Oh, for god--
Vincent forcefully grabs the cyclist's arm.
VINCENT
(smiling) See?
He SHAKES his arm and lets go. It flops over limp.
VINCENT
(flat) Dead.
Charlie clutches his chest.
CHARLIE
Are we...supposed to call the cops or something?
VINCENT
Are you stupid? No!
CHARLIE
What?
VINCENT
Charlie. I've been drinking.
Charlie gasps dramatically.
CHARLIE
You--!
VINCENT
Alright-- We just came from a bar! Look, you call the cops and we are FUCKED. They'll arrest us, BOTH of us, and we'll BOTH go to PRISON. Do you get it? This here.
(points to the body)
Is an instant jail sentence.
They look down at the body.
CHARLIE
What about an ambulance?
Vincent stares blankly at him.
CHARLIE
We could say we found him like this.
VINCENT
Charlie, they're not stupid. They're gonna know we ran him over.
CHARLIE
You don't know that!
Vincent makes a face.
CHARLIE
Okay. Uh. Oh! What if we drove him?
Vincent doesn't respond.
CHARLIE
To the hospital.
VINCENT
What and get blood on the seats? Great idea, Charlie. Question: who's gonna end up cleaning that up?
CHARLIE
We can't just leave him here in the middle of the road, Vincent.
VINCENT
We can't take him to a hospital either! What are the doctors even going to do? Huh? He's already DEAD.
Charlie opens his mouth to argue with him... But he can't.
He cries out in frustration. Vincent sighs and shakes his head.
CHARLIE
What are you suggesting we do then?
Vincent blinks.
CHARLIE
HUH? What do we do?
PULL OUT. The two men get smaller and smaller in frame, while the forest surrounding them GROWS and the cold midnight ambiance grows oppressive.
4. EXT. WOODS
Charlie hikes between trees with a flashlight in hand to guide his path.
Vincent follows closely behind, DRAGGING the body along with
him.
An owl hoots. Charlie jumps.
CHARLIE
(groans)
Why do I have to bury him?
VINCENT
(labored)
It's called... Division of labor. Since you, didn't want to help me with this fu--
CHARLIE
But it'd get all over my hands and my clothes! And no matter how hard I scrub, I'd never feel clean ever again--
Vincent flings the body at Charlie, Charlie YELPS.
VINCENT
Shut. Up.
Charlie squeamishly steps back. He looks up at an off-screen Vincent with these big, round puppy eyes.
Vincent's hand pops on-screen, holding out a shovel. He waggles it up and down.
Charlie sighs, obediently grabbing the shovel.
He plunges the shovel down in the dirt. Then pauses. He hesitates. He takes a sharp breath in...
Breathe in..... Breathe out....
...And STEPS down on the shovel.
CUT TO BLACK.
5. INT. CALL CENTER - DAY
Bleak. Dreadful. Phones ring endlessly. Cubicles all stand in single-file line. It's PURGATORY.
Charlie sits in his assigned little cubicle, slumped over in
his chair. TV static BUZZES in his ears.
We then see...
MAGGOTS. REAL-LIFE BLOWFLIES.
HORRID. WRETCHED. WORMS.
FEMALE VOICE
Perelson...
COILING and TWISTING and CRAWLING.
FEMALE VOICE
Perelson......
WRIGGLING and SQUIRMING. THRASHING and WRITHING about in FILTH. ROT AND DECAY AND--
BOSS LADY
PERELSON!!
Charlie jumps awake. He nearly falls out his chair.
He rubs his eyes. The maggots fall away.
Charlie's BOSS towers over him. All we see of this BEHEMOTH of a woman is her angry little red heel tapping on the floor.
BOSS LADY
Perelson. You mind explaining to me why you aren't on the phone talking to our customers?
CHARLIE
Wuh-- Huh? Oh! Uh, sorry, sir-- ma'am! I had kind of a rough night last night. Mhm. Didn't get much sleep.
The BOSS LADY grinds her jaw back and forth.
BOSS LADY
(punctuated)
Do you think I'm stupid? I know what you did.
All the color DRAINS from Charlie's face.
CHARLIE
...What?
The Boss Lady leans in and SNIFFS Charlie intensely. Her nose is WET. Like a dog's. Charlie shudders, utterly VIOLATED.
BOSS LADY
UGH. You REEK! Perelson, if you're going to show up to work HUNGOVER, don't even bother showing up at ALL!
CHARLIE
Wh--
BOSS LADY
AH-AH-AH. Zip it. I don't have the PATIENCE. For your excuses. We here are a family...
(militaristic)
THAT MEANS A SINGLE WEAK LINK COULD CAUSE OUR WHOLE OPERATION TO COME TOPPLING DOWN! I'LL HAVE YOU GUTTED AND SKINNED ALIVE FOR THIS NEXT TIME, MAGGOT! DO! I! MAKE! MY!
SELF! CLEAR??
Charlie shrivels up, nodding furiously.
The Boss Lady leaves with a HUFF.
Charlie unravels himself and lets out the BIGGEST sigh of relief.
He stares down at his now cold, stale coffee.
6. EXT. GAS STATION FRONT - LATER
Charlie throws away the coffee in a trash can outside. He walks up to the automatic doors and steps inside.
7. INT. GAS STATION
On the counter sits a sad, lonely bag of sunflower seeds.
ZOOM OUT to reveal Vincent standing behind the register in an ugly green vest.
VINCENT
Is that all for you, sir?
CHARLIE
Get me the usual.
Vincent throws a pack of Marlboro's on the counter.
Charlie cradles his head in his hands. And starts thumping his head against the counter over and over.
VINCENT
Three-ninety five.
Charlie mumbles incomprehensibly.
VINCENT
What.
Charlie mumbles again, sobbing. Vincent strains to hear him.
VINCENT
Dude, I can't fucking hear you.
CHARLIE
Oh my god, WE KILLED SOMEONE--
Vincent SLAPS a hand over Charlie's mouth.
VINCENT
(hushed)
Not so goddamned loud!
CHARLIE
'orry.
Vincent takes his hand away.
CHARLIE
But Jesus Christ man, I can barely hold it together anymore! I'm falling apart! I can't sleep. And I keep having these horrible vivid visions of MAGGOTS and ROT and DECAY. You're the only person I can talk to about this.
VINCENT
Riiiiiight... Ugh. Dude, I haven't slept either. I've been running on a shit ton of WHAM!! energy and Pepto Bismol.
CUT TO Vincent's feet. He's wading in a sea of empty cans and pink bottles.
VINCENT
(low)
Look. I can get you get a little something to help you sleep at night.
Charlie looks around them cautiously. He leans in and whispers.
CHARLIE
If you're going to... (gestures vaguely)
...slip me something, I'd like a heads up because stuff like codeine makes my head hurt in the morning.
Vincent blinks.
VINCENT
I was talking about Nyquil.
CHARLIE
Oh.
Charlie looks off to the side awkwardly. Vincent interprets this as disappointment.
VINCENT
...Did you want me to drug you?
CHARLIE
WH-- NO! No. I would NOT.
VINCENT
Okay, then why'd you say--
CHARLIE
I meant SEDATION. Like you'd SEDATE me as a kind gesture or something.
VINCENT
Charlie, sedate and drug mean the same GODDAMN thing.
CHARLIE
No, they don't.
VINCENT
YES, they do!
CHARLIE
SEDATE is what you do to a dog so it doesn't freak out when you take it to the vet to get its balls chopped off. DRUG is what you do to your date when she says no.
(tacked on)
If you're a rapist.
VINCENT
(chipper)
Gee, I guess you wouldn't want me DRUGGING you then huh?
CHARLIE
(playful)
Oh, no, I don't want you anywhere near me.
VINCENT
THEN WHY'D YOU IMPLY IT.
CHARLIE
BECAUSE. It's what I usually do when I can't sleep. My mom used to make those sleepytime tea packets with a little bit of codeine for an extra kick. So naturally, I'd do the same for you.
Vincent's face falls.
CHARLIE
(rushed)
If you asked for it. Only if you asked. I wouldn't do it randomly without telling you. That's absurd! WHO'D DO THAT? I asked my mom to make those drinks for me, she told me what was in it, I promise.
Vincent shakes his head disapprovingly.
CHARLIE
It's-- It's not weird, okay? LOOK, I just-- I don't think I can live with the guilt anymore.
VINCENT
So are you gonna kill yourself or something.
CHARLIE
No. It's just. I'm always going to be haunted with the memory of that night. Oh god... We didn't even know him.
VINCENT
Hey.
Vincent places a hand on Charlie's shoulder.
VINCENT
(soft)
That guy could've been Hitler.
CHARLIE
...What?
VINCENT
Well. Not literally Hitler. But, in spirit, kind of like Hitler. You know?
Charlie shakes his head in disbelief. Vincent continues.
VINCENT
I was thinking, right? That guy could've been a future Hitler. If given the chance, he could've been a genocidal dictator. We might have killed baby Hitler BEFORE he became Hitler.
CHARLIE
What... is WRONG with you!?
Vincent flies over the counter to cover Charlie's mouth again.
VINCENT
Shut the FUCK up!
Charlie slaps his hand away.
VINCENT
Alright, he might've been a totally "innocent victim" --
(Charlie flails his arms)
--or he might've not. I mean you're right, we didn't know him.
CHARLIE
That's not the point! What-- What does Hitler have to do with anything?
VINCENT
It was for comparison--
CHARLIE WHAT COMPARISON--
VINCENT
It's like the trolley problem, man! Would you rather have killed a completely innocent person, or a deadbeat alcoholic who beats his wife and probably hates Jews.
CHARLIE
I'd rather not kill anyone!
Vincent leans forward and breathes hot steam into his hand.
CHARLIE
That poor man could've had a family! For god's sake Vincent, he could've been a father, a husband, a brother!
VINCENT
He could've been a child molester!
Off Vincent, A WOMAN from a nearby rack looks up at them.
Charlie looks over at her, gives her a nervous laugh and a wave--
And turns back to Vincent MORTIFIED.
CHARLIE
(whispering)
What is wrong with you? Genuinely?
Vincent throws his hands up and shrugs.
CHARLIE
We KILLED a man. Does that not bother you?
VINCENT
(slow, talking down to Charlie)
Of course it does. I feel awful. I just don't want it getting out to the authorities that we killed a man and buried his body in the woods. Do you?
CHARLIE
No! They just wouldn't understand. It was an accident! Right?
VINCENT
(blinks)
Well. Yeah. I didn't mean to run him over.
CHARLIE
Exactly! If you think about it, we're the real victims. We have to live with this forever.
VINCENT
(sarcastic)
Yeah what's that jackass gotta lose anyway? He's dead.
CHARLIE
(genuine)
Exactly. It's really fucked up.
Vincent looks dead at him.
VINCENT
Yeah. It is. So, we're in agreement to keep this under wraps, yes?
CHARLIE
Duh-doy.
VINCENT
Great! Now get the HELL out and quit acting like a lunatic. There's a line behind you, moron.
Charlie turns. Behind him is a line of seven people, all glaring daggers at him.
He politely laughs. Pulls out his wallet, chucks it at
Vincent, and scurries off.
Vincent facepalms.
8. EXT. RUNDOWN APARTMENT COMPLEX - EVENING
Establishing shot.
9. EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH - NATURE DOC
A pack of hyenas gang up on a wildebeest.
BRITISH NARRATOR
Here we witness a gory feeding frenzy as the hyenas rip and tear their prey apart whilst still alive.
10. INT. LIVING ROOM
Charlie sits the couch smoking a cigarette.
Hyenas CACKLE on the TV. RED LIGHT then reflects on his horrified face. Quickly, he changes channels.
11. INT. SUBURBAN HOME - TV SITCOM
A GIRL WITH A PONYTAIL and her DORK SISTER argue.
DORK
I can't believe it!
PONYTAIL
Oh, you better believe it, sister!
Cue obnoxious audience laughter.
Ponytail waves a graded paper marked A+ in her sister's face.
DORK
But-- but you cheated! CHEATER!
The audience laughs.
PONYTAIL
I call it being resourceful!
Again, laughter.
PONYTAIL
And besides--
She's cut off by UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER.
PONYTAIL
And besides--
She's cut off AGAIN by audience laughter.
Ponytail stands there for a solid minute as the laughter keeps going. She has a thousand-yard stare as she zones out.
After a while, the laughter mercifully subsides.
PONYTAIL
And besides. Is cheating really such a crime? It's not like the police are going to come knocking on the door because I cheated on Ms. Bartleby's math quiz.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
PONYTAIL I'LL GET IT!
(opens door) Oh, hello officers!
Cue audience laughter.
OFFICER
Little miss, is your mother home?
PONYTAIL
Uhhh... No?
DORK
MOOOOM!! THE POLICE ARE HERE!!
LAUGHTER!!! Ponytail SMACKS her sister.
MOM
Yes, officer?
OFFICER
(takes off hat)
Ma'am. I'm sorry to say but your son, Jacob Arthur, was hit and killed instantaneously by a drunk driver last night.
ZOOM IN on the mom's static face.
OFFICER
(choked up)
He didn't make it.
The AUDIENCE GASPS!
Mom falls dramatically to her knees, screaming.
PONYTAIL
My brother's... dead?
Charlie gasps and flips channels.
12. INSURANCE COMMERCIAL
A calming blue gradient with white text appears on screen.
CALMING NARRATOR
Have you or a loved one been seriously injured in a drunk driving accident?
Two cars then VIOLENTLY CRASH into eachother in a terrible green screen effect.
LAWYER
I'LL GET YOU MILLIONS!!!
FLASHY TEXT FLIES INTO THE SCREEN!! MONEY FLIES EVERYWHERE! CHA-CHING!!
LAWYER
DRUNK DRIVERS ARE THE WORST, MOST EVIL SCUM ON THE EARRRRTHHHH!!!!!!
Charlie's eyes BULGE out of his head. He RAPIDLY flips through channels.
KID'S SHOW: MASCOT
'You!'
NEWS: A REPORTER
'--are'
GAME SHOW: HOST
'GO!'
TALKSHOW: GUEST
'--ing'
TRUCKER SHOW: A REDNECK
'TO HELL!'
COOK SHOW: SHOW HOST
'--you'
SOAP OPERA: A WOMAN
'BASTARD!'
SLAP! Charlie covers his eyes.
13. INT. MANSION - SOAP OPERA
SUAVE MAN
Liane, wait!
LIANE
NO! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME! DEAD!
SUAVE MAN
You don't understand! I never meant to sleep with your father!
LIANE YOU LIEEEEEE!
(sobbing) I'm leaving!
SUAVE MAN
But Liane, I love you!
SLAM!
SUAVE MAN
Liane! LIAAAAANNEEEEEEE!!!
TV cuts to black. Charlie's now curled up in a ball shaking.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV)
Have you ever been entrusted with taking care of a friend or family member's plants?
14. INT. STUDIO APARTMENT - INFOMERCIAL
A MAN IN A BASEBALL CAP lays on the sofa watching hydraulic press videos on his phone.
BASEBALL GUY
Yes.
ANNOUNCER
But then remembered you're a stupid idiot who forgot to water the goddamn plants?
ZOOM OUT revealing a room full of rotting plants, flies buzzing around everywhere.
BASEBALL GUY sits up horrified, like he's just now noticing.
BASEBALL GUY OH NOOOOOOO!!!
CUT TO BASEBALL GUY hurriedly digging a hole in an empty corn field.
ANNOUNCER
Well, don't worry! NOW INTRODUCING THE REJUVINATOR!
The REJUVINATOR descends down from the heavens. A chorus of angels SING as the green spray bottle lands gracefully in BASEBALL GUY'S hands.
ANNOUNCER
For only 19.99, you can instantly rejuvenate any and all dead plants!
(MORE)
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
Say goodbye to flies and rotting sludge!
BASEBALL GUY, now back in the apartment, sprays the plants. Instantly, brown sticks turn to lush green leaves. WOW!
KNOCK KNOCK. A BLONDE WOMAN walks through the door.
BLONDIE
Oh my gawsh! You took care of my plants!
BASEBALL GUY gives a thumbs up. BLONDIE then comes running into his arms, crying hysterically. BASEBALL GUY smugly nods to her and winks.
BASEBALL GUY Thanks REJUVINATOR!
ANNOUNCER
So, if you want to absolve yourself of the guilt and shame of accidentally screwing over another person, BUY THE REJUVINATOR NOW!!!
PULL OUT of the TV. Charlie now sits straight-up, eyes wide.
DING! He SNAPS his fingers.
15. EXT. WOODS - MIDNIGHT
Charlie digs up the grave in the woods.
He sighs and wipes his forehead. He takes out a shiny can of WHAM!! energy drink.
A SICK guitar riff plays. Bold yellow text pops up on screen
promoting WHAM!! energy drink.
Small white text also appears at the bottom. It reads: NOT FIT FOR REGULAR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.
Charlie takes a sip.
He finishes digging. The grave is open. Exposed.
He looks down determined...
Charlie whips out the colorful spray bottle and sprays the rotted corpse in a thick cloud of sparkly mist.
He covers his eyes in anticipation of what's to come...!
A moment passes...
Nothing.
A few more moments pass...
Still nothing...
Charlie looks down at the corpse, confused. The cyclist remains still. Still rotting. Still dead.
Charlie's sweating now. He shakes the bottle frantically and
douses the corpse in glittery fumes.
Nothing.
Charlie YELLS in frustration. He flings the can of WHAM!! at the corpse. The liquid spills all over it.
Charlie drops to the ground in a heap, holding his head in
his hands.
He rubs his face. Passively looks down into the grave...
The body twitches.
Charlie sits up. His eyes go round.
The corpse begins to convulse, muscles twitching back to life, its fingers waggle and shake.
It worked. IT WORKED!
CHARLIE
Yes! YES!
Charlie does a happy dance.
A LOUD AGONIZING HOWL interrupts his celebration. Oh right, the cyclist.
The cyclist HACKS UP blood. Or rather black sludge.
Charlie kneels down to grab the cyclist.
16. INT. CAR
Charlie slams the driver car door shut and buckles his seatbelt.
He adjusts the front-view mirror. From the mirror, we see the
cyclist in the back. Still convulsing and screaming.
CHARLIE
(cheery)
It's going to be okay buddy! Just hang on!
Charlie STOMPS on the accelerator. The car JUMPS forward and the cyclist falls to the floor.
Charlie looks back. He laughs. He WHOOPS and SCREAMS
manically as he speeds off into the night.
17. EXT. HOSPITAL
Establishing.
18. INT. CAR
Charlie drives home from the hospital. A content smile rests on his face.
A calm tranquil tune plays on the radio, soothing his nerves.
Charlie's eyes start to droop...
Blissfully... drifting off...
To... sleep....
YEEEOWW!!! A cat SCREAMS, the car JUMPS.
Charlie stops the car. His eyes well up with tears.
19. EXT. STREET
A BLOODY bundle of orange fur and skin lies dead in the road.
Charlie grips his hair and cries. He looks around, unsure of what to do--
Then he stops. Walks back to the car.
Charlie walks up to the cat with the REJUVINATOR and a can of WHAM!!
He sprays the cat and pours the drink onto it.
After a moment... the cat HISSES. It lives once more.
Charlie holds the spray bottle up high above his head, like a caveman discovering fire for the first time.
Its shiny plastic body GLISTENS under the glare of a street
lamp.
"Lovely Day/Good as Hell Mashup" by Pomplamoose plays.
Charlie SMILES. He's got an idea.
20. CHARLIE'S IDEA - MONTAGE
21. EXT. PARK - DAY
Charlie strolls merrily though the park.
He then spots a LITTLE GIRL crying, holding a dead opossum with a pretty pink bow on its head.
Charlie tsk-tsks. He walks up to her, pats her head lovingly,
and spritzes the opossum with his special spray bottle.
The opossum convulses violently, foaming at the mouth. The LITTLE GIRL screams and punt kicks it.
22. INT. CALL CENTER
Charlie talks cheerily on the phone. The boss lady walks by his cubicle.
He gives her a big thumbs up.
The boss lady snorts and spits in a trash can, trotting off.
Charlie turns back in his chair. He takes out the spray bottle and sprays it in his mouth.
23. INT. KITCHEN
INSIDE THE FRIDGE. Charlie opens the fridge. He grabs an energy drink and closes it.
Vincent opens the fridge next. He sticks his hand in. But
nothing's there. He scowls and slams the fridge door shut.
24. EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Charlie hops over a chain-link fence.
He sprays all the graves with a water hose.
HANDS pop out of the graves.
Charlie happily skips by a display of TVs. The TVs display the news. The headlines read: UNDEAD RAVAGING THE STREETS?
25. INT. GAS STATION
Vincent reads a newspaper with that exact same headline.
Just below it is an image of a man being savagely torn apart by one of the undead.
An old, ancient looking man lays in a hospital bed. A HEART MONITOR beeps steadily beside him.
Charlie then enters the room pushing, a little metal cart. He
picks up a syringe and fills it with a glowing green liquid.
He injects the old man with the serum.
BEEP... BEEP...
Charlie looks at his watch. The old man breathes wheezily.
BEEP... BEEP...
Charlie scratches his head in confusion.
BEEP... BEEP...
Then he realizes. He looks at the heart monitor. His eyes go WIDE with HORROR.
Charlie stands over the man, forcing a pained smile, as he
holds a PILLOW above his head...
And FORCES it down on the old man's face.
The old man weakly flails underneath him.
Charlie gets impatient. He gets on the bed and pushes down HARD.
He closes his eyes and mutters under his breath: lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day, love-ly da-ay!
The heart monitor FLATLINES.
Charlie gets down and wipes his brow. He sticks the needle in the man.
The man flings up. GASP!
Charlie smiles. Lovely Day fades out.
END OF MONTAGE.
26. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
Establishing. Police sirens go off in the background.
27. INT. APARTMENT
Charlie quietly enters and shuts the door.
VINCENT
Well, well, well.
CLICK.
A light turns on. Vincent stands in the kitchen in a red bathrobe, scotch in hand.
CHARLIE
Oh. Hey, Vincent.
VINCENT
It's pretty late out don't you think?
CHARLIE
Did you plug that lamp into the kitchen outlet?
Charlie points out the obviously misplaced desk lamp sitting next to their roach-infested microwave.
VINCENT
Yes. It was for dramatic effect. Now, where--
CHARLIE
You could've just turned on the kitchen light.
Vincent narrows his eyes.
VINCENT
Where--
CHARLIE
I mean that would've been a lot easier than plugging in that lamp into the outlet.
Vincent opens his mouth.
CHARLIE
Now you have to unplug that and everything. And that was just for this one bit--
VINCENT
Will you shut up?
Vincent rubs his eyes.
VINCENT
Where have you been, man?
CHARLIE
(folds hands behind back)
I don't know what you're talking about.
VINCENT
Don't act so goddamn coy. You've been up to something, I know it. Normally, I wouldn't care... but I've noticed that a lot of my shit has been going missing recently.
So, I wanna know. Where have you been?
CHARLIE
Frankly, that's none of your business.
VINCENT
(grinning) Oh. Is it?
Vincent pulls out a Marley & Me DVD case from his robe. Charlie's eyes widen.
CHARLIE
Is that...?
Vincent pops the disc out of its case.
CLICK CLICK CLICK. He turns on the GAS STOVE.
CHARLIE
You wouldn't.
VINCENT
Would I?
He hovers the disc above the flames.
VINCENT
You're a liability Charlie. I thought we agreed. You and me, together on this. But I will CUT YOU OFF if you end up screwing me!
Charlie takes a step forward, but Vincent lowers the disc.
CLOSE UP ON Charlie. Sweat drips down his face.
Time slows down. The sound of a ticking clock rings in his ears...
TICK TOCK...
Vincent dangles the disc above the flames...
TICK TOCK....
Charlie bites his fingernails.
Dancing flames jump up and lightly kiss the edge of the disc.
TICK TOCK... TICK TOCK...
The clock RINGS. Charlie BREAKS.
CHARLIE
ALRIGHT FINE! I resurrected the dead cyclist we buried in the woods using your WHAM!! and Adderall and I kind of sort of got carried away and started resurrecting all the dead people in the cemeteries and hospitals and I'M SORRY! OKAY!?
Vincent's jaw drops. He also drops the disc accidentally.
Charlie screams and runs for it.
VINCENT
...You did WHAT.
CHARLIE
(waving him off)
It was for the greater good or something. OH GOD! It's ruined!
VINCENT
Charlie, what the FUCK!
CHARLIE
I thought maybe if I could find a way to resurrect the guy so he wouldn't be dead anymore then. You know...
Vincent shakes his head. He doesn't know.
CHARLIE
Look it doesn't matter! I fixed our problem. I mean you weren't doing anything.
VINCENT
Because it would put us at risk of getting CAUGHT and thrown in JAIL.
Charlie just rolls his eyes.
VINCENT
I already have a fucking DUI, man!
CHARLIE
(catty)
Really? Well, maybe being a crippling alcoholic has it's consequences.
VINCENT
(without skipping a beat) So does lung cancer.
CHARLIE
I DON'T HAVE LUNG CANCER! I only
smoke when I'm anxious. It helps calm my nerves.
VINCENT
You are the most neurotic person I know. The couch constantly smells like shit because you smoke the second you get home.
CHARLIE
Uh, it smells like that because you drink and eat two family-sized bags of hot Cheetos and throw up ALL OVER the couch cushions.
VINCENT
So?
CHARLIE
SO?? I-- don't understand why YOU care so much about ME smoking.
VINCENT
IT'S BECAUSE MY DAD USED TO BEAT ME WITH A BELT WHEN I WAS NINE! YEARS! OLD!
Charlie covers his mouth.
Vincent shakes. Holding back tears... tears of LAUGHTER.
VINCENT
AH, I'm fuckin' with you! I never had a dad growing up. That's why I turned out gay.
Vincent turns to the camera and winks. A laugh track plays.
CUT TO Charlie. Standing in complete silence. A fly buzzes over his head.
Vincent downs his whiskey and sighs. Ahh.
VINCENT
Anyways.
(sets glass down)
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?
The glass falls and shatters.
CHARLIE
I FELT GUILTY! And-- and I felt compelled. Like maybe this was my life's purpose all along. To help people. Help save THE WORLD!
VINCENT
By ripping off Re-Animator?
Charlie opens his mouth to answer but closes it. He thinks.
CHARLIE
(sincere)
I don't know what that is.
VINCENT
Of course, you don't. You're an idiot.
Charlie gasps, clearly offended.
CHARLIE
Well, you're an inconsiderate jerk! I went to you for help. But all you did was blab on about Adolf stinkin' Hitler!
VINCENT
Yeah, okay, screw me for trying to help! I was being comforting.
CHARLIE
THAT ISN'T COMFORTING!
Charlie and Vincent LOUDLY ARGUE over each other. Their SCREAMING gets louder and LOUDER and--
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Charlie and Vincent look at the door. They look at each other confused.
Vincent silently walks towards the door. Charlie follows
close behind.
Vincent looks through the peephole...
He leans back SHOCKED. He looks back through the hole...
KNOCK KNOCK. Vincent jumps back.
The knocks get LOUDER and ANGRIER. Then it stops...
The doorknob RATTLES...
It turns. The door slowly CREAKS open.
CLOSE ON Charlie and Vincent, they look up, shuffling back in HORROR.
A TALL, LUMBERING figure, fitted with a long, hooded cloak
steps through the doorway. DARK BLACK CLOUDS and THUNDER hang heavy above it.
DEATH itself in physical form has arrived. It speaks slowly
and wheezily.
DEATH
Is this the residence of a sir... (Death takes out a piece
of paper and glasses)
..Charlie Theodore Perelson?
Vincent nods, Charlie shakes his head. Death stares at them both.
DEATH
Which one of you... resides here?
They point at each other. Death stares. It looks back at the paper.
Death steps forward, it towers over Charlie. Charlie stumbles
back.
DEATH
Charlie Perelson... You have upset the balance of life and death...
You shall pay for your crimes...
CHARLIE C-- C-- C-- Cuh--
(gulp) Crimes?
WHOOSH! Death WHIPS out its scythe!
TAP TAP TAP. It taps its scythe lightly on the ground.
The ground RUMBLES...
The floor cracks and PARTS beneath Charlie.
Down below is a vast ring of circles glowing hues of red, orange and violet as the tube spirals DOWN, DOWN, DOWN...
Death GRABS Charlie's wrist. He SCREAMS bloody murder as he's
dragged down into the endless abyss.
The hole starts to close up.
Vincent stands there, conflicted.
He groans, finally decided, and jumps down after Charlie.
The hole closes up.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
Charlie blearily opens his eyes. He sees nothing but white walls. Is he dead?
He sits up. His eyes go WIDE. He recognizes where he is.
28. INT. CALL CENTER
Charlie gets up. Vincent wakes up beside him.
CHARLIE
Wuh? Where? What?
DEATH
Your feeble mind... Would not be able to comprehend the afterlife as it is... This is a projection of a familiar setting pulled from your mind...
VINCENT
Great. Cosmic horrors beyond our comprehension. Nice fucking going, Herbert West!
CHARLIE
(distraught)
The call center? Of all places why the call center?
Vincent slaps Charlie.
CHARLIE
OW!
VINCENT YOU CREATED THIS.
CHARLIE
No, I didn't, Death did! Blame him!
Vincent slaps Charlie again. They start slapping each other like little kids.
DEATH
ENOUGH.
Death motions for them to follow. It walks off towards the cubicles.
Vincent spits on the floor. Charlie sticks out his tongue.
The two follow Death. The black smoke around Death provides a visual aid to its explanation.
DEATH
What you must understand... is that death is the final resting place for a soul. Bringing those dead back to life... robs them of that peace which death brings. Those souls become restless... Forever tormented and trapped in a state of eternal limbo...
VINCENT
So, it's like when movie studios reboot a franchise over and over again until it becomes nothing but a hollow imitation of what it once was. Like all those Disney remakes of the Renaissance movies.
CHARLIE
I like the remakes.
VINCENT
No, you don't.
CHARLIE
Yeah, I do.
VINCENT
NO no no no, because if you had any RESPECT for the filmmaking process, you wouldn't seriously enjoy those STEAMING PILES OF SHIT.
Charlie throws his hands in the air. They get heated, getting LOUDER and LOUDER and LOUDER--
DEATH
QUIET!
LIGHTS overhead FLICKER and buzz.
CHARLIE
Sorry!
VINCENT
Yeah, dude you've got the floor.
CHARLIE
That's our bad.
DEATH
...You understand now. The delicate balance of life and death. You disrupt the balance, you disrupt its flow, you disrupt the routine.
CHARLIE
Yes, understand. I understand now! (Transatlantic accent)
Oh. I'm so terribly sorry for all the trouble I've caused Mr. Death, sir. I had good intentions. Honest!
DEATH
You are flawed. (Charlie winces)
Your logic is flawed, your methods are flawed. But you understand now.
CHARLIE
Yeah, well I know better now. Never going to do that again. Resurrect the dead? Pshh. Noo.
Death doesn't respond.
CHARLIE
So, are we done here? Why, I've certainly learned my lesson.
DEATH
You are finished.
CHARLIE
Great! Well, it's been real nice talking to you.
(turns, walks away)
But I've got some stuff to do. I got some tapes or whatever to return or something. So, I'll just be going home now--
Death blocks his path. It towers over him.
DEATH
You are not permitted to leave.
CHARLIE
But-- But you said--
DEATH
You understand now. You understand the fate that awaits you.
Death grips its scythe. Charlie sees his reflection in the blade.
Classical music builds in the background.
CHARLIE
What? No, no! But I've learned my lesson, you have to let me go! I promise, I won't mess with mortality, I swear!
Death reaches out to him.
CHARLIE
No, don't touch me!
Charlie jumps back, he knocks into a table and falls to the floor. Death slowly approaches, Charlie scrambles backwards.
CHARLIE
But I'm a good person! This isn't fair!
Charlie backs into a wall, cornered.
CHARLIE
Please! Show some mercy! Mercy! I beg of you!
Death stands tall over him.
SHING! It raises its scythe high in the air, ready to strike!
CHARLIE HAVE MERCY!!
But just then VINCENT screams and lunges at Death! He knocks Death to the ground.
Charlie wobbly stands. He starts whooping and laughing
maniacally.
Vincent SOCKS Death right in the jaw, Death gets knocked back. Vincent cradles his aching hand.
DEATH'S SCYTHE
Sits on the ground. Vincent lifts himself up.
Death scrambles to grab the scythe, but Vincent runs up and kicks it away.
Vincent laughs triumphantly!
Death yanks Vincent down by the ankle.
It grabs a PC mouse and chokes Vincent with the chord.
Vincent grabs a coffee mug and SMASHES it in Death's face.
Death pokes Vincent in the eyes, he SHRIEKS in agony.
Death finally gets hold of its scythe. It approaches Vincent.
DEATH
ENOUGH!
Death raises its scythe once again.
Charlie frantically tries to think of something, anything...
DING. He opens up his coat, the green syringes inside glow...
Charlie sneaks up behind Death, syringe in hand....
He raises his arm slowly... The music BUILDS...
He sticks the serum in!
Death turns around, unharmed.
Charlie smiles innocently at Death.
Death reaches behind it's back and pulls out a syringe. The syringe falls to the ground unceremoniously.
Death chuckles. It laughs. Charlie nervously laughs with it.
Death SWINGS at Charlie with the scythe. Charlie flinches!
But it stops.
Death moves its hands curiously over the scythes handle. Something is sticking to the handle. Like maple syrup.
Charlie stares at Death confused.
Death looks down at its empty hands.
It slowly raises them up to its face. Death's hands shake.
We see VEINS and MUSCLE, FLESH, grow and spread across its bones!
Death SCREAMS!
It stumbles back, spatters of blood spill all over the dull carpet. Death falls to the floor.
We see its silhouette as it HOWLS in AGONIZING PAIN. Charlie
and Vincent stand helplessly as they watch on in horror.
Death tries to stand up... but its hands, its flesh STICK to the floor like velcro. Strings of BLOOD and TENDONS drip down like MELTING CHEESE.
We get an EXTREME CLOSE UP of Death's bloodshot EYE. Its pupils shrink to pinpoints and shake.
Death convulses on the floor, still SHRIEKING.
It desperately pulls on loose computer chords and cables.
The music crescendos as the fluorescent lights above flash then BURST! Glass and sparks fly everywhere!
Vincent watches in abject horror while Charlie cowers behind
him.
Death's body bloats, blood blisters bubble up and expand and expand! UNTIL...!
POP!!!
Blood COVERS the entire office space. Vincent blinks. He looks down, he's completely covered in BLOOD. He SCREAMS.
ESTABLISHING. Fire engulfs the city. Distant screams and gunshots ring out in the background.
Charlie places Death's scythe on a mantle hanging above the kitchen.
Vincent is also there, completely stained red from head to
toe.
Charlie steps down from a stepladder and stands next to Vincent. He talks directly to the audience.
CHARLIE
Well. I think we learned something today. Yeah. You know mortality is... It's not something to be messed with. Maybe that guy was supposed to die. He could've been a future Hitler! Well. I think what we really learned today...
(turns to Vincent)
..is to not drink and drive, huh, Vincent?
Vincent narrows his eyes.
He PUNCHES Charlie.